I think of you and start to glow

What am I doing?  Am I crazy?  Have I learned nothing in my 34 years of life?

I told him I was falling for him...and he acknowledged those feelings too.  Was it too soon?  Was I too severe?

I have figured out that I have major seperation anxiety after he leaves me for travel.  I feel ripped apart - needing to be with him.  I cry violently until I release the sadness - my waking nightmare.  Then I feel calm.

I went to his home this week and he wasn't there, but somehow I was comforted knowing that if I couldn't be near him, I could be near his home and I felt protected - for the first time in years - maybe my entire life.  I feel protected with him.

When I was walking outside to leave his home - the stars were glowing so bright they lit up my soul and wished he were there to sit and theorize with me until the sun came up.

That night I prayed for personal solace and his safe return to me.  I missed him so much this week that I downloaded "A State of Trance 2007" and have listed to Disk 1 repeatedly.  It reminds me of him.

Tonight the text messages are non-existant and I try to keep myself occupied with work around the home to avoid the longing I feel deep within.  I want to hear his voice tonight - or have his arms around me, or his lips on mine...but I will tell myself he is tired and needs his space after a tough week of work - and hope I believe it to get me through the night.

I fear I will scare him off with my hyper-sensitivity, emotional filters, and deep pain I am trying to purge from a previously failed attempt.  I fear he will also be afraid of the emotional bonding that has happened so quickly. 

He is different. 

He is not like the others. 

He is changing me - my perspective - my body - my sexuality.

I thank the Universe I have met him and pray I have his touch, his attention, and his caring in my life.

Tonight the tears have slowed and I am calm.  Reflection is the best form of release tonight and it is second best to his presence, but tonight second best takes first place as my insomnia starts to fade and I find myself falling for him in my dreams...

 

 

 

He text messaged me again this week, only this time it was different - and special.

He: Someone asked me 2day if I had a family that missed me.  I said yes 4 the 1st time. -Sep 25, 3:32 pm

Me: Oh M---!  I love that response.  You are a sweet guy - I am luck to have met you ;-)  BTW - good news... -Sep 25, 3:39 pm

My INFP wants to emotionally connect all the pieces - making everything romantic - and sometimes it just "is what it is." 

He gets back tomorrow and we will spend the weekend together going to a wedding!

When I need clarity on an issue and I don't have time to go to therapy, I learned a technique of collaging the issue.  You basically sit around with a ton of magazines, think about your issue and look for photos that express the emotional, mental and physical aspects of the issue. 

Start by tearing out photos that appeal to you.  Then, if you look at something and you think..yeah- I should tear this out, then turn the page but keep thinking about it -- then turn back and tear it out.  The subconsicous can be a power tool to help you visually depict the issue.

After all the photos are torn, begin arranging them on the board and glue them down.  Finally, stand back and look at your creation.  What does it say to you?  How did you place the images?  Are they related to each other?  Is there a story here, or something hidden that you are now beginning to see?

I think the most important part of this process is showing the collage to someone else and having them tell you what they see WITHOUT you having a conversation.  Let them give you all the feedback before you share what you see.

SO - Here is a collage I did on dating.  Please post a comment, or email me with your interpretation of this collage.  I would like to know what you see in the collage and what you think it might mean for me.  I will give you a hint - it's about dating...now post!

 

All the snow from the winter of my soul has almost melted so I thought it would be a good time to get my feet wet in the dating pool. I have spent over a year depressed, angry, and even in fits of rage followed by a torrential downpour of tears.  Something had to give.  I stopped crying and I started running, doing yoga and eating better.  Then I started seeing a therapist, and I began feeling better letting out all the emotional pain.  Suddenly I had energy and focus and tenacity again!  The choice was clear - time to get back out there and start dating again.

I have learned alot about myself, my dating preferences and who I feel would be the best match for me to date.  One of the things I became aware of is that I am not good at meeting people.  I knew this and somehow "magically" forgot, but sitting at home with free time and nothing to do I realized that the phone wasn't ringing and my email was empty so I needed to start somewhere.

First I tried the bars - what a waste of my time.  I am introverted so I rarely go up to people and start conversations.  With music blaring, shirtless men capturing all attention and flowing beer as my competition - I was truly at a loss. I went home and went to bed.

Next - I got a few books on *gay dating* which I find funny since the process is the same as *straight dating* and even harder.  In the past - at least from what I remember, gay men that find a mutual attraction quickly sleep together and call it a relationship.  Well I realized that shy people need an avenue to meet quality people so I naturally turned to the internet.

My first stop in cyberspace was the gay.com website - which yielded childish responses from "men" who instant messaged me with head games, promises of hookup (so not my style), and a real lack of substance.  I was disenfranchised so I quickly cancelled my profile and posted my profile on yahoo.com, date.com, match.com, chemistry.com and even okcupid.com. 

Ultimately match.com is the only site so far to prosper any dates for me.  I met Robert (49) and a retired fireman.  Then I met Bryan (33) who is a high school counselor and works at Banana Republic.  I met Amit (28) who lives in Virginia.  Sergio (37) is still married and seperated from his wife and has a 3 yr. old son.  Craig (46) lives in Tucson.  Jesus (42) is a designer and owns his own business.

So far Bryan bailed out after the first date in high hopes of dating someone else he is connecting with.  Robert and I cannot seem to connect and I am frankly not that interested.  Amit is in the US for a year before he goes home, but he has been interesting to talk with.  Sergio and I had one date and while we are complimentary it seems like we both would need time apart before we could pursue serious dating.  Jesus and I started talking and have yet to go on our first date.  Craig and I have talked a few times each week, and have gone on two dates, but there are some red flags going up - finally. 

I have learned not to sleep with my dates for at least 6 weeks to 3 months.  I know it is a long time, but I am clear that compatibility reveals itself before sexual feelings get in the way.  I have also learned that I need someone as emotional as I am when it comes to making decisions.  I want someone more structured and practical than I am either introverted or extaverted.  I have other "must haves" but I will reserve them for another post.

Overall, the hardest part about dating is that I have to let go of the anger over my ex - and move forward with an open conversation, honest heart and ruthless personal integrity.  I won't give up so easily as I have a long journey ahead of me. 

 

Alternate Headline for this Post:  As Queeny As I Wanna Be

I love the teenage movie Clueless and I love the Golden Girls - watch the Golden Girls do Clueless...

 

This made my day!  I am so easily amused.

I've really have to say that I am starting to embrace the online dating chasm, and I may be the only gay man who didn't know that e-harmony is Christian based and has no intentions of allowing homosexual people to use their service - but before that epiphany, I joined and filled out the personality profile.

 

I then started getting emails from many women interested in me...which was a new feeling - one I really didn't want since I don't think it is fair to raise their expectations and then never respond.  I immediately revoked my profile from searches, but I think there is a value in taking the personality profile (especially if you are gay/lesbian) because it has given me valuable FREE information - a personality profile and a report that tells what my most compatible mate would have for their top characteristics.  I really like the reports and hope Chemistry.com can a similar system soon - something as indepth.

 

I think having this compatibility report is valuable for crafting an online profile, or to have as a checklist for fledgling dates with new potentials.  I also see it as a way to share it with friends so they know what I am looking for and can be on the alert for potentials.

 

Here's the summary of my E-harmony Compatibility Report:

Note:  I changed gender tense for it to make sense for me. This is not the full report, but one page out of eight.

 

Some of your ideal mates strongest personality characteristics are:

 

·                      He tends to be caring, compassionate and sensitive towards the needs of others.

·                      His friends consider him someone who can be trusted and relied upon.

·                      He generally does his best to be honest in all situations, even when it can be difficult.

·                      He has a very good sense of right and wrong, and almost always tries to be the best person he can.

 

Some important qualities that your ideal partner brings to the relationship are:

 

·                      He is generally pleasant and unassuming.

·                      He has lighthearted moments that help her see and share the positive side of life.

·                      Even when things get bad, he can usually appreciate the good things life has to offer.

·                      He has the ability to connect well with people that he feels an affinity for.

 

Important goals and values for your ideal mate in a relationship are:

 

·                      He will be able to share your core spiritual beliefs.

·                      He may have some strong religious/spiritual views that are very important to who he is.

·                      He believes in being conservative about some things.

·                      He likes the feeling that comes from doing things to help other people.

 

Here's a summary of my E-harmony Personality Profile:

Note:  This is not the full report, but one page out of five.

 

·                      You tend to be loyal to others. Your loyalty shows in a variety of ways including your "staying power" with relationships and activities.

·                      You tend to be a traditionalist, and will enjoy the social environment best if it is stable and predictable. You dislike sudden decisions about where to go or what to do, preferring to think things out first.

·                      Others may perceive you as being undemonstrative and self-controlled. Not wanting to be the center of attention, you generally support others.

·                      You prefer a warm, friendly environment free of conflict and hostility. In that environment, you prefer reassurance of your involvement and self-worth.

·                      Because of your lenient and complacent nature, others with fewer scruples may take advantage of you. You could, perhaps, benefit from greater assertiveness.

·                      You have a basic need to be supportive of others. You will agree with others, sometimes even if it's not what you really want.

·                      You may demonstrate positive possessiveness by developing strong attachments; however, you will not be overly involved, as some others tend to do.

·                      You are a good friend and are always willing to help those you consider to be your friends. You also show strong ties, and will be uncomfortable when separated from your friends for an extended period.

·                      You tend to dislike sudden or abrupt changes. You prefer things the way they are. Your motto might be: "If it's not broken, don't fix it."

 

If you personally know anyone who fits this description let me know.  I will be grateful and just think - if it works out then you will have gained a new friend in your community and a dating success story to post on your Vox page!

Here are some photos of me over the last few weeks...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I am feeling today:

I didn't mean it when I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing - I was stupid - I was foolish - I was lying to myself.    

                        

I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I'd be sitting here beside myself                                        

I guess I didn't know you - I guess I didn't know me - But I thought I knew everything 

 

I never felt the feeling that I'm feeling now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips 'cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give to have you lying by my side right here, 'cause baby 

                                

When you left I lost a part of me - it's still so hard to believe                                                 

Come back baby please because we belong together

 

Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place? There ain't nobody better
We belong together

I can't sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio singing to me 'If you think you're lonely now'

Wait a minute! This is too deep, too deep - I gotta change the station                                        

So I turn the dial trying to catch a break and then I hear Babyface                                         

I only think of you - and it's breaking my heart - I'm trying to keep it together but I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element - I'm throwing things - Crying

Trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong                                                                    

The pain reflected in this song ain't even half of what I'm feeling inside
I need you - need you back in my life baby

When you left I lost a part of me - It's still so hard to believe
Come back please because we belong together   

                                                          

Who am I gonna lean on when times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place? There ain't nobody better.
We belong together

 

We Belong Together" by Mariah Carey from The Emancipation of Mimi

Today I am getting ready for training in San Bruno.

The weather is amazing which makes me want to exit the building right now, and head straight for the beach...

Don't want to go home on Friday - work waits for me, taxes wait for me, my parents wait for me...life is back to the grind.

For now, I am drifting - and I am having dinner with my brother tonight.

Enjoy your day.